Wow. Scrolling wandering around WordPress brought me to an article on http://theerrantaesthete.com/2007/11/06/introverts-revisisted/ (originally in the Atlantic) about being an introvert. It was like when Lucy asked Charlie Brown if he had the fear of everything and he exclaimed “That’s it!” Of course, being an introvert isn’t my only problem. But just knowing that aspect of my personality can help me see why I react to things the way I do and give myself permission to do so.
To illustrate the difference between an introvert and an extrovert, Jonathan Rauch says his partner’s “default mode of being is to talk and interact all the time, whereas mine is to talk as little as possible.” That is the start of my work day as soon as I walk in the door. I don’t want to talk but not because I have a lot of work to do, hate who I work with, am antisocial. My co-workers want to talk but not because they got up earlier than I did, don’t have a lot of work to do, or really like me. I’m an introvert, they are not. Rauch: “By definition, he explained, introverts are those who find other people’s company tiring.”
He talks about his own experience of the work it takes to be with people and to make small talk. “I have to think about what to say next, and sometimes I can’t think fast enough and end up saying something stupid. Or sometimes I just come up dry and the conversation kind of ends for while until I can think of another topic.” Picture the short walk to the garage/parking lot when leaving work. The pressure to talk about something that won’t require a lot of time because soon you’ll be at your cars. I work in the same physical space as them, it should be easy to come up with something to say or ask about.
Strangely, it’s not. Am I not paying enough attention to what’s going on in their lives? Do I not know what matters to them? Should I ask what they are doing after work? Is that too inane? See all that thought that precedes what eventually comes out, provided the extrovert hasn’t beaten me to the conversational start? Again describing his partner, Rauch says, he ” can always somehow turn the conversation right over effortlessly and keep it going even when what he says is not necessarily profound or interesting… it’s not words that are particularly intended to convey ideas or mean things. It’s words that socialize—that simply continue the conversation. It’s chit-chat.”
So a conversation can be, like Seinfeld, about nothing! Days before reading this article, I went to a family (in-laws, not my own) party. Thinking about it after (I always do this!), I was different then than I had been at other parties. I had longer conversations with some relatives than ever before. I talked with people I really didn’t know. I said whatever I felt like saying and it resulted in a nice back-and-forth. This is before I knew about the introvert/extrovert thing!
What I consciously did at that party is what extroverts take for granted. It’s not that I need to be more outgoing, more accepting, have lower standards, learn how to do small talk, gain a better understanding of people, stop being so serious, and on and on. Knowing that I am an introvert gives me permission to not label myself as wrong or a misfit.I also need to do more of what I did at that party, as long as I want to be around people that particular night!
But in my introversion, I have one edge – “Extroverts really have a hard time “getting” it (understanding introverts). And even when they do get it, they still have a hard time modifying their behavior.” (Rauch again) Now I can feel comfortable making that conscious effort, knowing it’s not a failure to have to do it.
As much as his article notes that extroverts need to be aware of introverts and how they work, it’s equally important that introverts know who they are and how they can survive in this noisy busy world. I’m happier knowing this part of me!
Posted by medivalia 